Gathering The Bones

Gathering the Bones

In her book, Women Who Run With The Wolves, Jungian analyst Clarissa Pinkola Estes tells the story of La Loba, the bone gatherer, the old woman who gathers the bones of the wolf and when she has gathered each bone and the skeleton is complete, the wolf begins to flesh out and as it reclaims its life and moves out into the world it turns into a woman who runs free across the desert, her many colored hair flowing behind her.

To create the life one wants, desires, yearns to live we must gather our bones, reclaim ourselves and live who we are.  Much of who we are begins to be cast into shadow, for some soon after birth and throughout childhood so that there is little connection with the intuitive self because who she or he is is so disregarded, discouraged, disallowed.  For others there is acknowledgement, encouragement and support of individual attributes and gifts.  Most fall somewhere between these two extremes, yet all of us lose some of ourselves in our families of origin, adult relationships that mirror the familial ones, and our experiences in a society that increasingly imposes constrictions on who we are allowed to be.  We are told from a very young age how to behave, how to dress, what girls can do, what boys can do, what we can’t do, what to eat, how to play, where to go to school, what to be when we grow up, who to be friends with, how to speak, think, be, on and on.   

Growing up in a family of six children, with a father who was often working two or three jobs to support us, a mother who didn’t have a clothes dryer until I was about ten years old and who I still vividly see on her knees bent over the bathtub washing the venetian blinds, there was little time to pay attention to any individual child.  That didn’t mean one was free to be, rather that one had to fit into very restrictive ideas and expectations of thinking and behavior. Questioning of adults or the teachings and rules of the Catholic Church were simply not tolerated, children were to be seen and not heard, and as the only girl among five boys, my needs as a female were grossly disregarded.   When I did not meet the expectations of my environment, banishment and withdrawal of maternal love, God’s love, often both, were the common response.  I learned well how to disconnect from my authentic self.  It’s what we do to survive the powerlessness of childhood.  Sadly, this is more common than not and remains so as long as we continue to live unconsciously trying to meet the expectations of others, and pass on to our children the patterns of generations.

As we grow up and begin to question, it is often from a state of confusion and fear.  Our work as adults is to slow down, listen within and rediscover the authentic soul.  Then we need to gather our bones, deciding for ourselves who we are today.  It is so easy to remain caught in the traps of depression, anxiety, the false promises of addictions to all sorts of things.  It seems easy, yet the pain is never ending when we choose that path.  The paradox of conscious living is that what seems intolerable, being present with difficult emotions that are so often merely shadows of the past, allows them to move through, creating space for possibility and bringing with it a freedom and ease that is remarkable.  

When I create the space to listen, it is amazing to me still how quickly I gain clarity and peace.  What I know today is that I must gather my bones.  I must sit quietly and experience the guidance that comes from I know not where.  Is it from some universal force, from God, Goddess, Gaia, the collective unconscious, all the concepts that attempt to provide us with an understanding of that which we cannot see or prove, that which we know yet don’t know how we know?  All I am certain of is my experience that in listening when I feel angry, confused, fearful, tired, sad or anything else that’s uncomfortable, I understand what I need now and when I take steps in that direction my energy changes dramatically.  I need to create space not only to listen but to actively bring into my life those things about which I am passionate without care or concern for what anyone else thinks.  As soon as I stop criticizing and judging myself for being who I am, I am free to sing, dance, gather my  bones and run free.  This doesn’t mean I won’t have feelings about things, it simply means when I am sad, angry, lonely, afraid I will acknowledge that I am, create the space to listen, knowing this is one aspect of my experience, and allow the emotions to move through me.  I only stay stuck when I forget that there is so much more to who I am.  When I remember that, I can allow myself to fully feel, knowing these are some of the bones, though not all of them, that whatever it is will change, and continue to gather all.  There is joy and power in the freedom of allowing myself to be all of who I am.  

What are the bones?  The bones are my own voice, knowing, wisdom.  They are my natural abilities, the truth I know from my gut, my creativity and passion.  How do we gather the bones?  By being oneself, being alone with oneself to listen far from the other voices who would control us, choosing from the heart the people with whom we surround ourselves, the books we read, the time we play, our connection to nature, art, creating time to sing, dance, write, draw, play the drums, go to the park and fly on the swings, climb into a kayak and drift on the river.  By trusting our own political beliefs and actions, the work we do, compassion, spiritual beliefs and practice, living with frustration, letting the past be the past, living fully the present.  The bones are all of who I am.  It’s allowing myself to write this blog, to be so clear today, confused tomorrow, then clear again.  It’s about there being so much I want to do there aren’t enough hours in the day and allowing myself to do nothing sometimes.  It’s being who I am where I am, and when I gather the bones I am complete and free to run across the desert, my hair blowing in the wind, strong, confident, lovely.