I'm He-e-re!! or Welcome to my Blog

Welcome to my blog, an adventure in being seen.

As a therapist I’m sometimes asked about my own life experience by potential or new clients.  Does she know what it’s like to be me?  To live like me?  To suffer or struggle like me?  Will she get me? Has she been in therapy herself?  No to the first three, I hope so to the next, yes to the last.  No one can know what it’s like to be you or live your unique life from your unique perspective.  I do know the common threads that weave through many of our lives.  I know the adaptations children make to their environment and the beliefs about self in the world that often develop in childhood and are carried unconsciously into adulthood, the pain of never being seen or acknowledged.  I’ve suffered abuse, loss, overcome fear, been angry alot, felt powerless alot, been confused, have had difficulty in relationships and experienced great love.  I also know that each of us already has everything we need to heal, grow and claim ourselves today.

As the only daughter of an angry narcissistic mother I could never please, with 5 brothers and a father who was absent most of the time working 2-3 jobs to support his growing family, I was a terrified little girl who grew up to be a terrified woman with the belief that no one liked or wanted to be around me.  In childhood I was painfully shy and the last kid to be picked for the softball team in gym class (I was never on any other softball team, believe me!).  I was the kid in first grade who cried in school and no one knew why because she couldn’t tell.  I don’t think she knew.  I was the girl who froze, terrified, in front of the class in 7^th grade when she had to give a speech.   I was the only girl in my class in a very small Catholic high school to be blackballed from the sorority.  At the time I thought it was about me.  I know now it was about another scared, wounded child.  I felt powerless and was angry in that powerlessness.  Angry that no one saw me, though I didn’t even see myself.  My anger was not attractive, sometimes destructive.  Through many years of therapy on and off with different therapists, each one helping me discover something different about me, through friendships, and experiences that helped me explore myself in different ways, I’ve changed and grown into a very different person from the young woman who used to look over her shoulder and wonder who you were talking to if you gave me a compliment.  I hardly recognize some of that person, and in some ways she remains very present. 

I still have five brothers, thankfully, though both my parents are gone.  I now have two grown children and a grandson who lights my life.  I’ve discovered that as long as I like me, others like me too and do enjoy my company.  No one would ever call me shy today.  I’m outgoing and open to new people and situations.  I don’t cry alot anymore and when I do I can usually tell you why, and though I still don’t play softball, I have learned to love being physical in non-competitive ways like skiing, hiking, kayaking, camping.  I love to speak in front of groups, doing workshops, teaching and having fun with it.  I recognize my value, am confident in what I know, who I am, and if you compliment me today I’m likely to simply say thank you.  I still become angry, though much less often, and I’m able to recognize it as a protective mechanism and check in with myself to see why my inner child is feeling vulnerable or frightened.  And because I know it today, it doesn’t last or get thrown all over the place like it did in the past.

As I embrace entering the third act of what has been an interesting life, I’m not universally afraid anymore, though I do still find myself fearful in certain ways or situations and need to be present to remind that younger part of me that I’m no longer the powerless child.  I need to remember to stay here as the present-day adult woman I am, and to comfort and remind the mostly happy, sometimes still scared little girl inside that this is now, that was then.  Do we ever completely heal from childhood wounds?  I don’t know.  I’m still working on that.  What I do know is that the journey is fascinating and the changes profound when I don’t give up, when I take responsibility for my own experience, and as I learn to laugh, lighten up and not take it all so seriously.  In other words, when I get out of my own way.

I’ve learned that what is most important is being here.  Mindfulness, presence, conscious living, showing up, paying attention....it doesn’t matter what we call it, what matters is that I’m willing to do it.  Living right here, embodying the present moment is the only place conscious change can happen.  A woman who has had a great deal of influence on my personal and professional self, and who has taught me a great deal, often says, "Awareness is the change agent."  Simple, powerful awareness.  I can’t take responsibility or have a different experience if I’m not here. 

So today I write this, my first blog post with an awareness of how often I’ve drafted versions of it, how long I’ve wanted to do this and held myself back, still afraid to be seen (the child) and knowing I have much to share, with a powerful desire to write and teach (the present-day woman).  I sit here with my inner child resting quietly, a little nervous, and far from the terrified person I once was, feeling calm, excited, relieved, excited, strong, excited, ready to step into this space I’m creating to share with anyone who cares to be here, lessons I’ve learned and that continue to evolve.  Here’s an example.  The little girl in me, who attended Catholic school from K-12, is saying, that’s a run-on sentence you better fix it.  The woman’s response is, who cares?!

I won’t try to define what this blog will be because I don’t know and want to leave space for it to be anything it needs to be.  I suspect it will be different things at different times to different people.  I do know I have learned a great deal, gained much wisdom and have a compelling desire to share what I learn and who I am with others.  Every day, as a therapist, I help individuals access who they are today and experience the internal shifts that begin to give a sense of control and power inside as the past becomes separate from the present.  I see people who have been living with childhood wounds for many years begin to heal and move forward in their lives.  I want to share with more people, I love to write, and need to claim my voice in a broader sense than I have so far.  I will write a great deal about presence.  I’ll write about how we create our own experience, creativity and flow, presence, fear, anger, living life, presence, community, intuition.  I’ll write about space, the universe, presence, the nervous system and the brain in relation to our experiences and changing old patterns, presence, Somatic Experiencing and the wisdom of the body, compassion, acceptance, balance and more.  I know I’ll talk about these ideas because they’re the things I teach every day, and because I’ve been wanting to write about them for so long.  There won’t be any particular order, and it won’t matter, because it’s all interwoven with who we are.   I suspect I'll sometimes connect these ideas between the personal and societal, the micro with the macro, because there's alot of trauma energy being enacted on a large scale in our world and we need to pay attention.   I’ll write about my own ongoing journey as I learn today and what I’ve already learned along the way, knowing that wherever I am or have been, there are others who have been there or are on their way.  I’m not completely healed, far from perfect, and still struggle even with the presence thing.  One of the reasons to write and teach about it is because, in doing so,  I keep reminding myself of its importance.  I accept and embrace the perfect imperfection of what it means to be human.  I believe in the Buddhist philosophy that there is no self, and understand my attachment to a self in this human manifestation, even as I experience belonging to something much greater than each of us as individuals.  I appreciate my interconnection with and influence on and by a universe that is beyond my comprehension.  But that’s a topic unto itself, a post for another day perhaps. Come back if you’re interested.  Remind me if I forget. 

For today, welcome.  This blog is more about me than you, in that it’s something I need to do whether anyone reads it or not.  I hope you’ll find value in my words, though I’ll write them anyway.  Today I live not based on what I think others need, want or expect of me, but by listening to the wisdom of the universe as I experience it, and that wisdom has been encouraging me to write for a very long time.  Welcome.  Welcome.  Welcome.  And in the words of the grandson of Loretta LaRoche, a very funny woman who teaches the Joy of Stress, “I’m he-e-re!!”