I began my struggle with food at age 29 when I became pregnant with my son, my second child. I wanted another child and was unhappy in my marriage, so I made the choice to have a child and used food to bury the conflicting feelings. I said it out loud at my then-sister-in-law’s apartment on Christmas Eve 1979. “I’m eating for two now,” I heard myself say, as I popped another dunkin’ munchkin in my mouth. I gained 60 pounds during that pregnancy and was shamed for the first time when, a month after my son was born, I met someone who had been in our childbirth preparation class with his wife and he asked me when I was due. He was as mortified as I when I told him my son was a month old. I was still wearing maternity clothes.
I lost that weight and more, reclaiming my slim self, but it was the beginning of an ongoing struggle in my relationship with food. Today I'm choosing to awaken to the fact that, recently, I’ve been using food again to not feel my feelings. As I sit in the dark, quiet pre-dawn of this Sunday morning I’ve decided to listen. I hear myself guiding me as I guide my clients, deep inside to the place of spirit, the place in which I am most connected with my truth, to the wisdom and compassion of the universe as it moves through me. I feel the pain of the loss of connection with deep experience and realize how efficiently food keeps me from that place within, from myself and the life I passionately want to create. I am moved in the knowing that all I need do is be quiet, present, listen, to reconnect. How clear and easy it is to be guided when I’m willing to be here.
This may sound hokey and new agey to some, and to those who are willing to slow down and wonder what it might be like to listen deeply, it’s a path with heart. There is a space in which we connect with so much more than our immediate needs and wants, and we need to allow ourselves the time and quiet to enter that space to hear where we are and the steps we need to take to move to where we need to be, even when we don’t have a clear knowing of where that is.
Namaste.
To decide to listen is an important piece. More challenging, in my experience, is deciding to be willing to feel the (sometimes painful or frightening or otherwise difficult) feelings. Even more challenging, still, is to accept or to surrender to the unknown, to the mystery of what might be if/when I allow myself time and quiet space. You are describing a balanced state to strive toward, and a place from which I frequently get thrown off balance (it's easy to default to the known feeling-avoiding behavior when feelings are difficult or - not even - when the stress and busy-ness of day-to-day gets in the way), alas.
ReplyDeleteI am grateful for this beautiful reminder that ultimately continuing to remember to return to center, to come back to deep listening and to a state of wonder is a path with heart, indeed, a path of passion, of spirit, and of deep meaning - more delicious than any particular food. Thank you.
@AnonymousThank you, Anonymous for your thoughtful comment. The path is simple, though indeed not easy. What I think is most important is not to be critical of ourselves when we're thrown off balance, rather to accept those moments as part of the journey and acknowledge the awareness that reminds us of our striving and allows us to continue to move forward. There is much I would say here, and so I'll write my post this week as a more thorough response to the wonderful questions you raise. Important stuff.
ReplyDeleteWarm regards,
Kathleen